Tradebook Blog: Attachment

For my tradebook blog, I read Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find- and keep- love by Levine and Heller (2010). The book offers readers an explanation of adult attachment theory and illustrates how to use it to improve their romantic relationships. It unravels the mystery of why some people navigate relationships with no problem and others constantly struggle (Levine & Heller, 2010). The whole purpose of the book is to help readers find and maintain relationships. I chose this book mostly because I am a total romantic. I also just think the science behind attraction and relationships is really interesting!

Ainsworth (1978) and Bowlby (1988) both proposed the attachment theory in the 50s and 60s. Their research demonstrated that a secure connection between child and caretaker is just as essential for the child’s survival as food and water (Ainsworth, 1978). While their theory mostly focused on attachment during childhood, they also believed attachment is a primary piece of our behavior throughout our entire lifetime (Bowlby, 1988). Hazan and Shaver (1987) then proposed that adults have distinct attachment styles in romantic settings as well. Throughout our lives, the need for intimate connection and the reassurance of our partner’s availability is fundamental (Hazan & Shaver, 1987). Bowlby (1988) proposed that throughout evolution, genetic selection favored people who became attached, as it was a survival advantage when they can rely on someone else for protection. Therefore, the need for a close relationship is embedded in our genes!

The adult attachment theory designates three main attachment styles that describe how people perceive and respond to intimacy in romantic relationships: secure, anxious, and avoidant (Levine & Heller, 2010). These are the same attachment types proposed by Ainsworth (1978) and Bowlby (1988). Nosko et al. (2011) suggested that attachment style patterns are predictable from parent-child relations to adult relations. Secure people are comfortable with affection and are usually warm and loving (Levine & Heller, 2010). Anxious people crave more intimacy and tend to worry more about their relationship and their partner’s interest in them (Levine & Heller, 2010). Avoidant people feel like intimacy means a loss of independence and are constantly trying to escape closeness  (Levine & Heller, 2010). Between these three attachment styles, people differ in how they view intimacy, how they deal with conflict, their attitude towards sex, how they communicate their needs and wishes, and their expectations for the relationship (Levine & Heller, 2010). Over half of the population falls under the secure category, while everyone else is split between the anxious and avoidant attachment types (Levine & Heller, 2010). Levine and Heller (2010) propose that these attachment styles predetermine our behavior in romantic situations and understanding them offers a reliable way to understand and predict our partner’s behavior. The good news for people with insecure attachment styles (avoidant or anxious) is that research (Kirkpatrick & Hazan, 1994) has shown that attachment styles are not fixed or set in stone. About 30% of people may change their attachment style and this may be in response to new relationship experiences (Kirkpatrick & Hazan, 1994). Levine and Heller (2010) provide many real life examples of this transformation and give advice on how to adjust one’s attachment style.

One of the things I really liked about this book is that its applicable for everyone. Levine and Heller (2010) continually stress that every person falls under one of the three categories, so the book can help you learn about your own behavior in relationships and it can help you learn about your partner’s style. There is a chapter for each attachment style that goes into detail explaining the behavior and attitudes underlying these styles. The book is also good for singles because it talks about how to date and how to choose partners based on your own attachment style and what meshes well with you. In addition, there are several chapters on conflict and break-ups. Levine and Heller (2010) describe how to resolve them effectively depending on you and your partner’s attachment styles. No relationship is perfect, every couple fights at some point. But it is what the argument is about and how we handle the situation that determines how it will play out. When there are conflicts between secure people that are resolved effectively, the conflicts can actually serve to deepen their bond (Levine & Heller, 2010). This book can apply to anyone and I would really recommend it to others interested in learning more about themselves and their relationships. The authors do an awesome job of explaining all the concepts, so the reader needs no background in psychology to understand the book. Levine and Heller (2010) interviewed hundreds of people for the book and used their personal stories throughout the book to keep it interesting and make it easy to understand.

Personally, I am in a new relationship this semester (coming up on 2 months) and this book was extremely helpful for me. I was able to figure out my attachment style and make sure that the two of us fit well together. Turns out, we’re both secure, so we’re good to go (we actually took the little quiz inside the book together… what nerds!)! This means we are both warm and loving and intimacy comes naturally to us. Keelan (1994) proposed that one of the best predictors of happiness in a relationship is a secure attachment style. His research found that secure individuals consistently report higher levels of relationship satisfaction, commitment, and trust (Keelan, 1994). Of course, I was happy to read this! J

For secure individuals, communication and trust are an important aspect of secure relationships (Levine & Heller, 2010). There is a whole chapter on effective communication and how it can help improve your relationship (especially in new relationships). Levine and Heller (2010) discuss how good communication sets the tone in a relationship to be open and honest. In my own relationship, once my partner saw that I was honest, he followed suit and we are now open with each other about anything. I feel like I could trust him with anything and if something is bothering either one of us, we can just put it out in the open and discuss it.

The authors, Levine and Heller, are both experts in the field of adult attachment science and have considerable research backing up their theories. Dr. Amir Levine is an adult psychiatrist and neuroscientist and is working on a research project for the National Institutes of Health in New York City where he has his own private practice (Levine & Heller, 2010). Rachel Heller has a master’s degree in social-organizational psychology from Columbia University (Levine & Heller, 2010). As both authors are experts in the field and cite hundreds of studies backing up their theories, the book is extremely credible. It is scholarly, as it discusses research, but is also entertaining and an easy read as it breaks up the theory and research with personal stories.

Now that I’ve finished the book, I think it was an awesome choice. I truly enjoyed the book and learned a lot from it. I constantly find myself applying the concepts to my relationship and to explain other people’s behavior in their relationships. I’ve noticed my own secure behavior and been able to explain why past relationships have failed. Just a few months ago when I was studying abroad in London, I met this guy who I almost instantly hit it off with. After a few weeks he started distancing himself and began to act really strange even though I knew there was interest. As a secure individual, I was not ok with this and eventually just gave up on the relationship. Now I understand that he had an avoidant attachment style and as we grew closer, he became more and more uncomfortable with intimacy and kept pushing me away. In the past week, I’ve even found myself watching a TV show and been like wow… she’s such an anxious type… It has become a central part to my schema on relationships! There really were not any parts of the book I didn’t like. Even the chapters that didn’t really apply to me (like the ones on falling into the anxious-avoidant trap, in which there is an exhausting cycle in a relationship with an anxious individual and an avoidant individual) were still interesting to read about because I have often seen it in friends’ relationships or in movies, TV shows, and books.

Overall, I highly recommend the book to anyone. It can help singles find the perfect match. It can improve relationships by understanding the predetermined behavior for each attachment style. It can reduce conflict and intensify relationship satisfaction. The purpose of the book is to help its readers find – and keep – love. It was an awesome book that definitely accomplishes that goal!

References:

Ainsworth, M., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.

Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base. New York: Basic Books.

Hazan, C. & Shaver, P. R. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52, 511- 524.

Keelan, J. R., Dion, K. L., & Dion, K. K. (1994). Attachment style and heterosexual relationships among young adults: A short-term panel study. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 11,  141- 160.

Kirkpatrick, L. A. & Hazan, C. (1994). Attachment styles and close relationships: A four-year prospective study. Personal Relationships, 1, 123- 142.

Levine, A & Heller, R. S. F. (2010). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find – and keep – love. New York: Penguin Group.

Nosko, A., Tieu, T.-T., Lawford, H., & Pratt, M. W. (2011). How do I love thee? Let me count the ways: Parenting during adolescence, attachment styles, and romantic narratives in emerging adulthood. Developmental Psychology, 47, 645- 657.

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